What to Look for in a Good Mentor

Adapted from “Characteristics of a Good Mentor”

by Steven Donaldson M.A. L.P.C. and

Del Thornton, M.S.W. L.C.S.W.

An effective mentor must have several characteristics. No one can be the perfect embodiment of these characteristics. A good mentor must demonstrate self-confidence and good moral character. That is, he must have achieved a sense of masculine competence of his own.

A good mentor must have strong gender identity. He must feel good about himself as a man. This does not mean being super-macho. Being super-macho is actually a sign of weak gender identification. Evidence of sound gender security includes the lack of defensiveness or the need to prove anything to anyone, as well as active participation in his masculine roles, such as father, husband, provider, ecclesiastical leader, male friend, and a participant in male-typical activities. In addition, males with good gender identification relate respectfully and well to women. He respects and likes women, and it shows. In essence, he should enjoy every aspect of being a man.

A good mentor will have good ego-strength. What this means is that he does not get his feelings hurt easily, and he has no problem saying 'no." Mentoring can be very trying, and requires tenacity for the long haul. Same-gender attraction does not form overnight, and even with motivated individuals it does not go away overnight. His self-esteem cannot depend on the success of his mentee. He must remain positive, loving, and encouraging, no matter how badly his mentee fails.

Men who struggle with same-gender attraction can be at the same time emotionally needy and defensively detached. This means they long for emotional contact with men but fear being hurt. At the first sign of abandonment they can become defensive and even reactive, which may be interpreted as condescension. The mentor can never take the defensiveness personally, and must be able to set limits on the emotional neediness.

A good mentor must be emotionally available. He must be comfortable with his own feelings and able to share these with the mentee. He must be comfortable with his own weaknesses, failures, embarrassments, and fears, and be able to share these with the mentee at times when this type of disclosure would be helpful. He must be able to hear the mentee talk about his fears, anger, feelings of inadequacy, and pain without becoming anxious or needing to minimize or fix them. Talking about failures and fears may seem feminine but not when the tone of the conversation mirrors the way it would occur between a father and son.

It is not a mentor's role to know what the mentee should do, or how to fix his fears. This is very important. His job as a mentor is to be present over the long haul, and emotionally supportive. He is neither the mentee's moral authority nor his therapist, and he does not need to take responsibility for or direct him in these ways. Men who struggle with same-sex attraction badly need both spiritual direction and therapeutic help, but this not the role of the mentor.

While he must be emotionally available, he should not lean on the mentee for emotional support. The mentor relationship mirrors the relationship of a healthy father-son dynamic. In this dynamic, the father provides for the son, but the son does not provide for the father. Fathers get their needs met in the adult world, while children seek their emotional support from their parents.

A good mentor must be physically affectionate. Many people believe that being physically affectionate with men who struggle with same-sex attraction will exacerbate or increase their symptoms. Nothing could be further from the truth. Men who struggle with same-sex attraction are afraid of male affection. It is precisely this fear that can make male affection so intensely sexually interesting. As long as the mentor has a strong gender identity, there is no chance of the encounter becoming sexual. This is exactly the kind of safety the mentee needs to experiment with; allowing himself to genuinely love and need non-sexual male affection, the kind a boy receives from his dad. The deepest longing of the man who struggles with same-sex attraction is not for sex. It is for love and affirmation.

Finally, a mentor must pursue the relationship with the mentee. The mentee at the core does not trust that the mentor could ever be genuinely interested in him and at the same time, need nothing from him. This is a continuation of the father-child injury. For this reason, the mentee will not be the initiator in the relationship. This will be re-enacted in the mentoring relationship. In addition, when there is any confusion or conflict, the mentee is very likely to assume he did something wrong, and withdraw or devalue the relationship. The mentor is very likely to assume he did something wrong and withdraw or devalue the relationship. The mentor must remember that the withdrawal from or devaluing of the relationship is a defense (usually unconscious) against the intense need and longing for the love and affirmation of an idealized male. He must not take anything personally, and must continue to gently but actively pursue the mentee.

Men who struggle with same-gender attraction long for a non-anxious connection with men. The mentor needs to take initiative in identifying activities that will be fun for both and yet not provoke too much anxiety for the mentee. He should explore common interests such as art, music, theater, cars, or sports. Both the mentor and the mentee can introduce each other to the things they individually enjoy. Over time, the relationship will develop into one that will allow more risks to be taken, without the fear of humiliation.

Some men who struggle with same-gender attraction have defensively detached from masculinity so extensively that almost any male-typical activity will trigger a fear/inadequacy response. In the beginning, even watching a basketball game may be too much. Defensive detachment seldom is expressed as fear. A mentee will probably never say, "I'm afraid of appearing stupid if I watch a game with you." He is much more likely to express disinterest such as, "I have never seen the point of football. It is nothing but egotistical male aggression." You must see through this defense and slowly encourage him to be a part of the world of men. This can only happen over time, and after trust is established. It is not necessary for all men who struggle with same-sex attraction to become NFL fans. They must, however, develop to the point that they can attend a Super Bowl party or a church softball game without feeling overwhelmed with anxiety and inadequacy.

Learning to play and be competitive at team sports is often a problem for men who struggle with same-gender attraction. They should be encouraged to do so; however, this should be approached with extreme caution. Even encouragement in this area can trigger significant fear, which leads to compulsions to act out. This is often an area of significant childhood injury, and many have trained themselves to completely avoid these activities. It is typical for these men to gravitate toward individual sports such as track, swimming, diving, and ice-skating, to avoid being a member of a team. They feel inadequate to perform in a situation where other men rely on them in competition. Even minor failures in a team sport can be experienced as devastating inadequacy and overwhelming humiliation. It may be wise to consult the mentee's therapist before approaching this issue.

It is important to include the mentee in family events. Many men who struggle with same-gender attraction come from families with poor dynamics, and so have a distorted view of family.

If the mentee is not active in the Church, the mentor should encourage Church-based activities, but he should go slowly. Church attendance can increase anxiety, which in turn can lead to increased sexual compulsion. The mentor should seek feedback from the mentee. The mentee knows what he needs. The mentor should be open to his suggestions and trust them. If at any point the mentor hurts or disappoints the mentee, he should sincerely apologize without making excuses. It may be the mentee's first experience of humility from an authority figure. This can be very healing.

The mentee's talents should be used. His talents should never be evaluated in terms of the masculinity of the activity. All men are created by God, completely masculine. His preferences, talents, and feelings are completely masculine. Everything about him is completely masculine. The thing men who struggle with same-sex attraction lack is an internalized sense (feeling) of masculine adequacy. There is no objective thing that he is lacking. The last thing he needs is to have a man he respects infer, even indirectly, that he is in some way less than completely male.