Roles in a Gender Affirmative Mentoring Relationship

There are many books and pamphlets that have been published, both by members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and by the Church itself discussing how to counsel those who experience same-sex attraction. The information in this packet is not meant to be a one-stop resource for such counseling, but instead provides specific instruction on setting up and monitoring a Gender-Affirmative Mentoring relationship.

What is Gender Affirmative Mentoring?

A gender affirmative mentoring relationship consists of a man or young man who experiences same-sex attraction, another man or young man who has strong gender identity (feels secure in his masculinity and is a good example of Christ-like masculinity), and you and/or a therapist as an overseer or counselor.

Which men should participate in a mentee role?

A mentoring relationship best serves those males that are in the youth and young adult age range. The language of this booklet is written with the expectation that the brother you are counseling is still in the youth or young adult program of the Church but the principles can be applied to others. It is possible to have an effective mentoring relationship with those that are older.

Some of the young men that come to you and seek counseling regarding same-sex attraction experience what is called “weak gender identification.” These are the ones best served by a mentoring relationship. This means that they do not fully identify themselves with masculinity or the gender characteristics of men. They long for a connection with men, but need to learn how to connect, and how to do so appropriately. These young men do not always appear or act feminine. Weak gender identity is common in, but not limited to, young men that do not have a close connection with male role models. Many professionals believe that this lack of connection and weak gender identity contributes to the development of same-sex attraction. A young man experiencing weak gender identification, meaning he does not feel like a man, may defensively distance himself from other guys. Over time he often becomes curious about the masculine lifestyle. During puberty and the adolescent years, there is a greater chance of this curiosity taking on a sexual nature, which can develop from same-gender attraction into same-sex attraction. A mentoring relationship is meant to change the course of this development so that the young man, rather than developing same-sex attraction, develops an internal sense of masculinity.

Which men should participate in the mentor role?

A Gender Affirmative Mentor is not a counselor and is not necessarily an official part of any therapy in regards to same-sex attraction. The sole role of the mentor is to be a masculine role model so that the young man can learn about masculinity from experience.

The mentor is typically near the same age as the mentee. It seems that those closer in age are in a better circumstance to help the mentee enter the social world of men. Those closer in age are able to invite the mentee into social settings with male peers. If the mentee feels accepted among his peers, he will have greater confidence in his masculinity. Those closer in age are also able to help the mentee learn about male-typical activities, such as sports, and provide opportunities for the mentee to develop confidence in these areas. One common exception to this age guideline is when a father fills the role of the mentor and the mentee is still in the youth program. Even if a mentor is selected from the young man's own age range, it may be beneficial for him to be open with his father.

When choosing a potential mentor, you may consider praying with the young man experiencing same-sex attraction over a list of potential names that you feel exhibit the characteristics listed on the page, “What to look for in a Good Mentor” (also found in the Mentor section under the title, “How to be a Good Mentor”.) You may be tempted to select the mentor yourself. Try to have the mentee select his mentor.

A mentor should be someone that will be around for the long haul. Someone that will only be around for a few months would be a poor choice. A man does not develop his gender identity over night. More information on how to select a mentor is provided on the following pages, “Selecting a Mentor.”

What is the difference between therapy and mentoring?

Gender Affirmative Therapy, or Reparative Therapy, is therapy led by a professional where the focus is on helping the individual to identify himself as masculine. This often involves many months of working through past experiences and damaging relationships. Bringing a young man to the point that he can identify himself as masculine is difficult unless the young man has a masculine role model in his every day life from whom he is able to learn and with whom he can connect.

Gender Affirmative Mentoring provides young men with male role models who are secure in their masculinity. It can be compared to a Big Brother program, where the big brother is there to teach the younger brother how to be a man. The only difference is that these young men did not receive such mentoring as boys and need to receive it now if they want to become a part of the world of men and identify themselves as masculine, and in time throw off the programmed responses they have developed through same-gender attraction. The young men involved in mentoring are trying to live a heterosexual lifestyle and, rather than simply focusing on their behaviors, are attempting to strike at the root of the problem.

Many Bishops feel that the needs of the young man experiencing same-gender attraction are best met with professional counseling and ecclesiastical counseling. LDS Social Services offers great counseling at affordable rate. Or you may consider various books published by Deseret or other LDS book publishers.

In order to best serve those that come to you for help, you should read the sections written for the mentor and the mentee as well. Some additional information is provided regarding same-gender attraction at the end of this booklet. This will help you better understand the young man you are counseling.