Selecting a Mentor

It is important that the mentee is involved in the process of selecting potential mentors. You may create for him a list of those in the ward, or those that he knows, that you feel would be suitable mentors, and closely identify with the characteristics described in “What to look for in a Mentor.” The selection of a mentor should not be taken lightly. It should be a matter of prayer and even fasting, especially on the part of the mentee. The mentee will be sharing personal things that he may never have shared with a peer. This is meant to be a long-term relationship. The mentor should be someone that can be there for the mentee over a long period of time.

It is important to remember that the role of the mentor is not to force the mentee into male-typical settings, but to help the mentee into areas of masculinity where he wishes to go but lacks the confidence to do so. The ultimate purpose of mentoring is help the mentee receive an internal sense of masculinity regardless of behavior.

In the following paragraphs you will hear about a Gender Affirmative Mentoring Relationship that was implemented in a BYU Ward. The Bishop, mentee (Jon) and mentor all gave their viewpoints in a question and answer format. The viewpoints expressed are not those of the Church itself, rather individuals serving within the Church. The names have been changed.

Below the Bishop is answering questions provided.

Q: How did you come up with the idea to partner Jon, who deals with same-gender attraction, with someone else in the ward?

A: This method is used with helping anyone with a challenge to overcome or deal with. Everyone can benefit from a support system, and we had an Elders' Quorum President that was an outstanding example of Christ-like behavior.

Q: Did you already have a potential mentor in mind that you felt Jon would benefit from?

A: In a round about way, yes.

Q: How did you and Jon decide who he should tell about his same-gender attraction?

A: He mentioned that he felt comfortable around the person selected.

Q: After the mentor was chosen, how did you or Jon approach him? Did you speak with him first?

A: I believe I did, and then the three of us met if I remember correctly.

Q: Did you expect Jon and this other young man to maintain a friendship or just talk it out once?

A: This was not an assignment as much as one human being speaking and helping another human being. True friendship and concern was the motivation behind this relationship.

Q: Did you keep track of their relationship?

A: I have not after each person went their own way.

Q: Did you monitor Jon's progress with goals?

A: I did not. Out of 132 students at that time, I believe I was counseling 30 plus and did not document each and every one the way I would have liked to have done.

Q: Did you ever meet with the two of them again together?

A: I believe I may have only once, if I remember correctly. I did, however, speak to them separately concerning progress made.

Q: Do you feel that Jon's issues improved as a result of this?

A: In meeting with him in subsequent interviews, I felt that a heavy burden was lifted a little because he felt as though he had someone else to share it with.

Q: How long did this scenario last?

A: I believe it was just for that one semester that he was with us and then he moved on.

Q: What would you have done differently?

A: I was somewhat new at the time and very uneducated about his challenge. I believe I would research and become more knowledgeable about the topic.

Q: Any advice to Bishops currently facing this situation?

A: Be very supportive of anyone going through this challenge. Everyone is a Child of God, and everyone has their own tests to deal with. Treat each one with respect. Do as the Savior would do and follow the Spirit.

Below the Mentee is answering questions provided. He is the one dealing with same-gender attraction.

Q: How did you and your Bishop go about deciding who should be your mentor?

A: My bishop prayed about it and came up with a couple of names that he thought could possibly be my mentor. He then had me choose one that I felt the most comfortable with, which basically for me was the one I knew the best. He happened to be the Elders' Quorum President.

Q: What did you say to the mentor?

A: I told him about my attractions and anything that I felt comfortable sharing. I ended up telling him a lot of my past history, and my current struggles because of my past history.

Q: What was the mentor's response?

A: He was very supportive and understanding. He told me that he understood that everybody had their own struggles, some more than others, and that he didn't judge me due to my past and my current situations.

Q: Was this your Bishop's idea or yours?

A: It was my bishop's, because we had talked a lot about how I felt not welcome in the Church, and how I really didn't have friends in the ward.

Q: Do you know if he's done this with others as well?

A: I was the first, because this was the first time he dealt with someone who has same sex attractions.

Q: Did you first speak with your mentor in the Bishop's office or somewhere else?

A: I spoke with him in the Bishop's office.

Q: Did the Bishop tell him anything ahead of time?

A: From what I understand, the Bishop did not tell him anything in advance except that I needed some help with some problems that I was having.

Q: Did you and your mentor maintain a close relationship after that?

A: We maintained a close relationship for awhile. He would check in on me a couple of times a week. I would also go out to some activities with him. He would come over when I needed to talk to him, and he would give me blessings. He would also make sure I was at church, and if I wasn't, he would come over and talk to me. Then after I moved, we sort of stopped talking and making contact.

Q: Did he invite you places and socialize with you? How often did you spend time together?

A: We spent time together off and on. There wasn't really a set schedule. As things came up, we would see less of each other and when we had time, we saw more of each other. Like I said before, he would at least check on me a couple of times a week.

Q: Did you have many conversations after that first one regarding your attractions?

A: We didn't talk a lot about my attractions. At first, he was curious and asking a lot of questions, but that died out. After that, when they came up in problems I was having, we would talk about them. Other than that, we never really talked about them.

Q: How long did you stay in contact with him?

A: I stayed in good contact with him for about 6 months or so. Then we both moved and lost close contact. We chat every once in awhile, but not very often because he's married and has other things to do now.

Q: How effective do you think this relationship was?

A: I think that the relationship was an interesting one. I never became a close friend, yet at the same time I did not feel like a project that he had to do for his calling. It was effective because I felt that he did care for me, and wanted what was best for me.

Q: What would you like to have seen different?

A: The one thing that I would change is having become better friends with him. I think that it would have been more beneficial for me to get to know him better before he knew everything about me, so he became a friend before finding out everything. A lot of the time we talked or hung out, it was all about me, and I didn't get to know him very much. I tried to, but it was difficult because I couldn't share information about myself to him anymore when he would share information about himself--it wasn't a normal start to a friendship, to put it simply. It might be better to have the bishop tell the person beforehand that whoever needs help needs a friend, which would allow them to develop a semi-normal friendship before everything else is known.

Below the Mentor is answering questions provided.

Q: What was your relationship with Jon before you were approached about this?

A: I was only in the apartment complex for the summer, so I’d met Jon, and was familiar with him as an Elder’s Quorum President, but only about 2 or 3 months worth. By nature of the calling and the smaller summer ward, I met everyone really fast (especially the brethren), but my relationship with Jon was mostly through seeing him at church.

Q: How were you approached? What did the Bishop say? Did you meet with the Bishop first or with both he and Jon?

A: If I remember right, the Bishop pulled me aside privately and explained to me that Jon was struggling with a few things, and I think he mentioned same-gender attraction then. He’d met with Jon a few times, and with Jon’s permission, I was invited to the next meeting. The Bishop told me I didn’t need to worry about giving counsel, just to listen and be there for him. We then both met with Jon, and he explained that he was struggling with same-gender attraction, and the accompanying effects it had on his esteem, including depression and social anxiety.

Q: What was your initial reaction?

A: It’s hard to describe exactly what I felt. I didn’t know he was struggling with same-gender attraction, but it didn’t shock me to find out. Not that he acted strange or seemed homosexual or anything of that nature at all, I just instantly felt compassion and love for him, and knew that he was really struggling with this trial. I guess it’s the nature of the calling of Elder’s Quorum President, but I really felt like he was my brother, and I’d do anything to help him out. Even though the magnitude of the trial was huge, I felt peace, and that the Atonement of Christ was in action and there was hope for Jon. He was doing the right thing coming to the Bishop, and what I needed to do was support him and be there for him.

Q: Were you given any instruction or just asked to be his friend?

A: Just to listen to him and be there to support him. In our first meeting with the Bishop, we made sure Jon had my number so that when he was struggling he could call/text me anytime and I’d give him a blessing or talk to him and encourage him, helping him to have the strength to focus on something else and fight those feelings. But I was also instructed to keep my role a support system and trusted priesthood leader, not so much a buddy.

Q: How often did you speak with Jon? How personal were those conversations?

A: In the beginning, it was about once a day, usually at night before he went to sleep. After a week or so it changed to every other day and then eventually longer between. That was for about a month, and then I moved out of the ward. Jon was very honest and open, both on the phone and when we were face to face in private, like when I’d give him a blessing. We mostly talked about same-gender attraction and what he was struggling with that day, and then the Gospel, the Savior and the Atonement, and the power of prayer, faith and the priesthood.

Q: Did you share information about yourself? (Meaning was it a normal two-partner friendship or more of a counseling session for Jon)

A: I don’t remember sharing much information about myself; mostly I think I was a counselor. We chatted about the things we’d done during the day, but it was mostly to get Jon thinking about something else, and usually only lasted for a few minutes.

Q: Did you hang out socially? What kinds of things did you do?

A: No. When I saw him at ward activities or around the apartments, I’d talk with him and introduce him to other ward members and help them get to know him better, but we never did anything outside of those settings.

Q: Do you think that this helped Jon? Was it effective?

A: I think it helped Jon a lot to have a trusted priesthood leader his own age that he could confide in and knew was praying for him and supporting him. I hope it was effective. He had homosexual and straight friends, and I’m not sure how much time was spent with either group, or how that affected him. From what the Bishop told me, Jon was very appreciative and grateful to have my support, and thought of me as a counselor and friend, but not ever as a sexual interest. He really hated the same-gender attraction and wanted to be rid of it, but knew that he might struggle with it his entire life. He also recognized the power of the Atonement and supportive priesthood leaders.

Q: What would you have done differently?

A: I don’t know what I would’ve done differently. This was the first and only time I’ve been involved in a situation like this, and I don’t understand everything he was dealing with, or how hard it must be to struggle with same-gender attraction. Maybe more information about how much of a friend vs. counselor I should be would be helpful? Or what homosexual men think (are they attracted to every man or do they have guy friends that are just friends?) I’m not sure how it all works.

Q: Have your views on those within the church experiencing same-gender attraction changed at all as a result of this?

A: Yes, completely! I didn’t know the level of suffering and pain that these people go through, especially when they have a desire to change and live a righteous, happy life with a spouse and children, active in the Church. Everyone has their own trials, but I think this would be one of the hardest to deal with, especially because of the societal norms and expectations of the Church vs. the world. But there is hope, and having gone through this experience with Jon, I understand even more now how much God loves all of His children, and wants to support them and have them return to live with Him.