How to Select a Mentor

Plan of Action

If you want to resolve issues with same-sex attraction, you need to develop a personal action plan considering the specific things you need. The issues are complex and differ from person to person. Your success depends on creating and following a personal plan of action.

Issues with same-sex attraction wouldn’t be so difficult to resolve if there were a step-by-step plan that everyone could follow. However, because the factors that cause same-sex attraction differ from person to person, there is no magical formula that will resolve them for everyone. The concepts discussed here are basic principles, but you will have to develop a personal action plan considering the specific things you need. It won’t be as simple as sitting down in an hour with your day planner because the issues are complex, but your success is too important to leave to chance. This section outlines steps in developing a personal plan of action as well as some concepts to consider as you develop your plan.

Determine readiness

Before you begin this journey to resolve same-sex attraction, it is important to determine if your personal desire is strong enough to carry you through because success will depend on your level of desire and commitment. Do you believe you can change? In quiet moments when you get in touch with your spirit deep inside, the part that really knows who you are in an eternal sense, do you believe you can overcome this temporary condition called same-sex attraction? Have you really decided that you want to overcome its power over your life?

Make a self-inventory

Before beginning, it is important to do a careful self-examination to determine where you are. Plan to spend several hours defining your current feelings and actions in some detail. Don’t get impatient with the time it will take; the reward will be well worth the investment. Evaluating where you are now is an important beginning step to develop a strategic plan. It can also be a helpful comparison later to measure the progress you make. Your therapist and church leader can help give some objectivity as you ask questions such as the following:

What are my current feelings and desires? How strong are they? How are they directed?

What are my current habits, compulsions, and addictions? (Specifically identify the behaviors, their frequency, and intensity. Be sure to include fantasies, pornography, masturbation, and other sexual behavior.)

What problems do I have with envy, lust, and pride?

How well do I understand myself? What do I understand my divine nature to be? How do I describe my current feelings of self-worth?

Am I honest with myself and with others? Do I see things as they really are or do I pretend some problems don’t exist? (List them.) Do I make excuses or lie to cover my actions? (What actions and in what situations?) Do I make excuses or lie to hide my feelings? (What feelings and in what situations?) Do I make excuses or lie to avoid confrontations or situations that make me feel uncomfortable? (What situations?)

In what things do I trust myself and in what things do I not trust myself?

How do I feel about myself? Do I like myself? (How much and why?) Do I love myself? (How much and why?) Do I enjoy spending time alone with myself? (Why or why not?)

How would I describe my relationships with other men? What close friendships do I have? What do I long for in relationships with men? To what degree are those needs currently being fulfilled? Do I develop unhealthy dependencies? (Give examples.)

How do I describe my relationship with my father? Do I enjoy spending time with him? How well do we communicate emotionally? In what ways are we honest and not honest with each other? Do I hold grudges? (List them.) Do I believe that he loves me? (Why or why not?) Do I feel his love? (Why or why not?) Do I feel he is proud of me? (Why or why not?)

How do I describe my relationship with God? Do I believe that He knows me personally? Do I believe that He loves me? (Why or why not?) Do I feel His love? (Why or why not?) Do I feel He is proud of me? (Why or why not?) How often do I pray? (Is it quality time talking with Him?)

How well do I understand gospel principles? Do I understand faith, repentance, and forgiveness and do I do anything about it? What do I understand the atonement to mean to me personally? How much or how little do I let God into my life? How often do I think of God when faced with temptations?

Not only should you take the time necessary to carefully consider questions such as these, but it is important to write down your answers. Although this may seem like busy work, it will be valuable both now and later. It will help you and your therapist or church leaders now as you put together a strategic plan of action because the answers can help you consider areas that need improvement. The information will also be helpful to you later. Sometimes we make progress in such small increments that we don’t even notice the progress. Being able to look back later and read the answers you gave will help you see the progress you have made. It will give you a basis on which you can make periodic evaluations of how far you have progressed toward your goals and determine how much further you have to go. When you get discouraged, you can read where you were and gain encouragement by seeing the progress you have made.

Develop an action plan

With your initial self-inventory in hand, you can sit down with your therapist or church leaders and identify the areas where you need to concentrate. Be sure to include specific things to repair, build, and grow. Pick a few areas and write down specific things you can do to improve. A goal without a written plan of action is just a wish. As you read the remaining sections, consider how each issue relates to you personally and write them down in a special section of your journal entitled "Action Plan" where you can frequently refer to them, reevaluate them, and add to them. When you have completed an action, you can remove it from your plan.

The following sections cover basic issues that most people need to address, and you can begin to concentrate on them. However, you may have issues beyond these that you will need to address in your particular situation. As you put together your plan, be sure to consider both emotional and spiritual aspects.

Consider emotional and spiritual aspects

The emotional repairing and maturing may include such things as coming to grips with past emotional trauma, resolving current emotional conflicts, overcoming emotional detachments and dependencies, learning to love appropriately, building healthy relationships, correcting self-perceptions, and building feelings of masculinity, and self-worth.

The spiritual development may include growing in ways such as surrendering to God, having a mighty change of heart, overcoming envy and lust, giving charitable service, and developing spiritual wholeness. Personal growth and healing come as you put total faith in God who has the power to change your life. There is no condition you could be born into that He cannot repair. There is no condition that could obstruct your temporal and eternal happiness and potential that He cannot correct. And when you have done all you can, He will take it from there and do the rest.

Both the emotional and spiritual aspects need to be addressed during the process, or it won’t be complete. Some people say "I’ve tried fasting and prayer and scripture reading. I’ve tried to be good. But it just doesn’t work!" Others say "I’ve been in therapy for years and the feelings just don’t go away." Some people develop healthy relationships to meet their emotional needs, but neglect the spiritual needs. If you grow emotionally, but not spiritually, you won’t have the spiritual help necessary to make it through this difficult transition. If you move along the spiritual track, but not the emotional one, the temptations won’t go away and the intensity of the urges and desires may be so great that you will find it difficult to resist the temptation. The process of transition is one of both grace and truth. There is truth in the therapeutic process, but it is also a healing process of grace.

Ask your therapist, church leaders, or mentor to help you gauge how you are growing both spiritually and emotionally. Follow their advice if you need to increase work in one area or the other to keep them in balance. When the effort is not in balance, people appear to make good progress, but the progress is temporary and they eventually relapse. While they take care of some of the deficits in their lives, their progress is not permanent because it is not whole.

Repair, then build

It may be helpful to think of your efforts in terms of a two-step process:

Reparative: fixing the mess (such as correcting your self image, bringing completion to past trauma, resolving masculine identity conflicts, and controlling compulsive behavior).
Developmental: building a better future (such as making life choices, growing emotionally, developing healthy relationships, and following God).

Keep a long-term perspective

We make poor choices in life when we change our focus from eternal, long-term goals to the short term and choose the easy way rather than the more difficult but more important. As Stephen Covey explained, "We are more in need of a vision (or destination) and a compass (a set of principles or directions), and less in need of a road map. We often don’t know what the terrain ahead will be like or what we will need to go through it; much will depend on our judgment at the time. But an inner compass will always give us direction." (Covey, 25 Mar. 1996)

Multiple factors

Same-sex attraction is caused by many factors coming together at critical times in your life. It therefore stands to reason that to resolve it you need to bring together several specific factors at the same time. Those who are successful in resolving same-sex attraction have found that attending meetings and therapy groups is not enough. They discover that numerous things have to be in place at the same time for such a change to take place. Almost invariably, it requires sincere spiritual growth, individual therapy, and sticking with a program for several years. Those who commit to this level are able to resolve their same-sex attraction in significant ways.

Remember that same-sex attraction is not the real problem. It is a symptom of deeper struggles such as rejection, envy, abuse, identity, distrust, or fear. However, individuals who experience same-sex attraction seldom recognize this because (1) the specific issues vary from person to person and (2) the individuals are often masters at hiding the real issues in their lives. To resolve same-sex attraction, you need to determine what the underlying problems are, and once you resolve them you resolve the same-sex attractions. Once you discover what you have been looking for by relating homosexually, you can find nonsexual ways to fill those needs. Although you can stop homosexual behavior in the short term by exercising willpower, the emotional deficits and unmet social needs will not go away until you legitimately fulfill them.

The rest of this section discusses topics that most people need to consider. As you read each section, consider how it relates to you and set specific goals in each area. Remember that since many of these components are interdependent, neglecting one area can make progress in another area ineffectual.

Keep balance

Recognize the need for balance. A lot of the difficulty individuals experience is the result of an imbalance. Consider the following examples:

Too few close friendships during certain childhood and adolescent years
Too much preoccupation with sex during some adolescent years (but who doesn’t?)
Too little access to a father model during early childhood
Too little acceptance by an older brother who was looked up to
Feeling too comfortable spending time with a mother and therefore not going outside and playing with friends.

Not only can the imbalance contribute to the development of same-sex attraction in the first place, but a continued imbalance can contribute to failures you try to resolve it. For example, you may spend so much time reading and studying about same-sex attraction that you do not take time to build relationships. Or you may rely on support groups and not get individual therapy. Or you may get therapy and build relationships, but ignore the spiritual aspects.

Your life is like a quilt. The colors and textures of the individual pieces and threads all combine to make a work of art. Remember that same-sex attraction is the symptom of deeper problems. As you work on things that may seem unrelated, your same-sex attractions will diminish or disappear. Be sure you work on intellectual, physical, spiritual, and social-emotional goals.

Set boundaries

Another reason people fail in their attempts to make changes in their lives is because they fail to set boundaries for themselves. A recovering alcoholic, for example, may need to draw the line at entering a bar. If he rationalizes he can enter the bar and socialize with his drinking buddies but not be tempted to drink, he is fooling himself. Likewise you cannot be involved in gay organizations and not be tempted to flirt and be attracted to others of your gender. You need to establish boundary lines that you commit not to cross.

Physical boundaries may be easy to define but there are also other boundaries to consider that may be more difficult to define, such as emotional boundaries. If you find it easy to fall into emotional dependency, you may need to establish emotional rules and hold to them. Although you may not always be able to control how you feel, you can choose how to respond to those feelings. Your emotions give you clues to understanding yourself. To help you understand emotional boundaries, you may want to read Human Boundaries and Personal Abuse by Melanie Geyer.

Ms. Geyer explains that abuse can also affect the concept of boundaries. All forms of abuse (sexual, physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual) involve a violation of boundaries. Abuse may cause confusion as to what boundaries are and where they can or should exist. To avoid being abused, define your own boundaries. To avoid being abusive of others, respect their boundaries.

You are the steward of your body and have the right to determine who can touch your body. If you have been the victim of abuse, you may have come to feel that others have a right to touch and use your body. This false perception can be changed by discovering your self-worth and working through the effects of abuse with a therapist. If you have become enslaved in sexual addictions, you may feel you are helpless in controlling physical intimacy. But with professional counseling and God’s help, you can overcome addictions and gain control and self-respect.

Take the time now to evaluate current boundaries because they may be nebulous. Setting and obeying personal boundaries is a way to show self-integrity and self-respect. Setting boundaries is not just a one-time event; it is a constant process of defining, redefining, evaluating, and maintaining boundaries.

Monitor progress

It is common to have recurring doubts as you work on your action plan. Gerard van den Aardweg, a psychologist with many years of successful clinical experience treating same-sex attraction, observes that "the homosexually inclined, even if they are in principle willing to change, initially have serious doubts whether there are realistic chances of a profound improvement. These are periodically returning doubts, notwithstanding clearly observable progress, and they only die away when the change in feelings has become much more obvious." (Aardweg, p. 89) To overcome these doubts, look back at your previous self-assessments from time to time and compare your current conditions with them. This will not only give you encouragement, but can help you make adjustments to your plan as needed.

Being accountable and journaling

We can receive support by being accountable to others—to God, to your church leader, to your therapist, and to a close friend. It is important to be accountable to yourself through introspection and journaling. Spend time thinking and writing in your journal about the events and feelings you experience each day. Stephen Covey reminds us that "keeping a journal of our thoughts, experiences, insights, and learning promotes mental clarity, exactness, and context." (Covey, 12 Mar. 1996) Don’t just record events superficially. Think and write about deeper levels including your thoughts, feelings, dreams, and ideas. Record anything that moves you, whether the event is happy or upsetting. Describe your feelings and try to determine why you feel the way you do. Studies show that people who write regularly in journals feel less stressed about their lives and more in control.

Journal writing is a way to monitor and direct your life. With the fast pace of life, it can be helpful to pause for a few minutes each day to reflect on what happened and why. The act of writing in a journal gets your thoughts outside your head and slows down your thinking process so you can make connected, complete thoughts. Sometimes, our life passes by us as if it were a dream. But life is not a dream and journaling is a way to help you recognize what is happening in your life and keep it directed. As time passes, your interpretations of the past will change. So don’t just write down facts and events, but also describe how you felt at the time. When you clearly know your thoughts you will be less afraid of them and will see them for what they are. You may also compare current entries with previous ones to evaluate the progress you are making. Journaling can be especially helpful if you do not have someone available to talk things through.

Journaling is also a process by which you can work out grief and healing. If you have unresolved issues with your father, writing him a letter in your journal can be a way of working things out and bringing closure to painful situations. Many find that when they do not write in their journals regularly, they find themselves wandering and regressing. Journaling helps to analyze feelings, assess actions, and stay in control.

Requirements for change

The following are important elements for successfully resolving same-sex attraction:

You are personally dissatisfied with your current condition. You are aware of the negative consequences of your current situation and want to change it. The stronger your dissatisfaction, the stronger your motivation to change.
You believe it is possible to change. You have heard that change is possible and have seen changes in others. You believe you can change because: (a) you believe you are capable of something better, (b) you believe in God’s promises, and (c) you believe that through God’s power you can change.
You develop and follow through on a plan of action that addresses your specific needs. This process differs for each individual and includes specific things that need to be done to repair, build, and grow.
You have adequate support during the process from peers, family, church leaders, and professional counselors who provide information about the change process, encouragement to continue when it is difficult, feedback, insight, validation, love, and friendship.

Use a multifaceted approach

You will be more successful if you use all the relationships and resources available, such as family, friends, counselors, church leaders, faith, prayer, group and individual therapy, books, and support groups. You will have to grow in other areas like coming to understand your true self, confirming your masculine identity, healing old wounds, forgiving, reconciling your relationship with your father or others, and learning to control your behavior. And most important, spirituality will need to play a major motivating role. Commitment to and faith in Jesus Christ is the key to applying the healing power of the atonement in your life. If you are ready to do these kinds of things, there is hope. You can find your way out of same-sex attraction just as many others have done.

Considering who you should tell

When and who you should tell are matters that each individual must determine through prayer and inspiration. What is best for one may not be for another. Besides your church leaders, it is not necessary or prudent to tell many people beyond your family or closest friends. You may feel those who are closest to you should know about this part of your life so they can be an integral part of your life. It will help them understand you better and they will be in a better position to provide support.

Spouse

If you are married, your spouse deserves to know about your struggles. You cannot be of one flesh (see Matthew 19:5) if you hide such important parts of your life from her. Wives are often in tune with their husband’s feelings before the husband ever understands them. One man said,

“I was married and had children before I realized I had same-sex attractions. After I saw a therapist a few times, I knew I had to tell my wife. I spent quite a bit of time preparing just how I would tell her. I picked a holiday weekend so we would have several days to thoroughly talk things out. I explained to her that I had emotional problems I was trying to work out and that I was seeing a therapist to try to understand them. I explained my feelings of loneliness and we talked about gender identity and the need for male companionship. We talked about my difficulty in developing satisfying relationships with men. It was several hours before I ever used the words "homosexuality" or "same-sex attraction," and I tried to help her see it as an emotional problem and not just a sexual one. I told her I could not make it on my own. I needed to share these experiences with her. There was a lot of talking and crying, then more talking and more crying. Although it was difficult, she was supportive and committed to help me through it. I am grateful that my wife knows about these challenges in my life and that she is there to support me. After a particularly good therapy session or support group meeting, I needed to be able to share my positive feelings and successes with her. This experience has helped us grow together in ways we never did before.”

The following is the experience of one wife:

"My husband . . . told me about his struggles with same-sex attraction...after we had been married for one year. As he talked to me that day, I remember feeling a deep outpouring of love for him, and a profound sense of sadness that he had struggled all alone for so many years. I was impressed that he would share something so intimate and painful with me. [He], in turn, was amazed that I didn’t kick him out of my life. He told me it was his first experience with unconditional love. The thought of leaving my husband never occurred to me. He was still the same man I loved, and I felt even closer to him that day because of the way he opened up his heart to me. That day was a turning point in both our lives." (Hyde, p. 13)

Parents and siblings

One man said:

“I have disclosed my struggles to my older brother since I suspected he also experienced same-sex attraction. Although in his case he has chosen to pursue a gay life rather than the gospel, the fact that we have shared this part of our lives with each other has brought us closer together.

I have chosen not to tell my parents or other family members because I feel it would not be helpful or necessary to do so.”

Steve Andersen wrote the following about telling his parents:

"On Sunday, I told my parents and what a relief it was! I never could have expected their response. Had I known they were going to be as supportive as they were, I would have told them years ago. I guess I underestimated them. They were totally shocked, which actually surprised me, because I thought they suspected it when I was growing up. I shared with them all the things I thought about myself growing up and was surprised to find out that they were just my perceptions and not necessarily how other people viewed me, particularly my parents. My dad said that he knew he was non-emotional and that he often has considered trying to change. He said if it would help me and boost my self-esteem, then he would like to try. He then came over and gave me a big hug—the first I can remember in thirty-six years—and I’m thirty-six! He even called me at work the next day, which he never does, just to tell me how sad he was and that he felt like crying, not because he was sad that I was dealing with this, but sad that I had been unhappy for so long and he never knew. What a positive experience!"

Children

Scott wrote the following about his experience telling his son:

"The moment we knew would come had arrived. My oldest son (almost fourteen) finally asked the question! I was working on the computer writing about my life experiences when my son came home. He wanted to use the computer and I wouldn’t give it to him, so he kept coming in and out of the room and walking over to see what I was working on, and I kept trying nonchalantly to keep him from seeing what I was typing. I was nearly finished when my hovering son finally came out and asked, ‘Dad, are you gay?’ I dodged the question, and he said, ‘You didn’t answer me.’ So I said something dumb like, ‘Why? Are you?’ He answered that he wasn’t. Then I answered, ‘Yes. I have been.’ Then I looked at him and asked, ‘Does that bother you?’ Having the basic question answered seemed to satisfy him and he just went back to asking when he could use the computer. Later that evening he was very loving. He came by several times and hugged me and told me that he loved me. I read to him for a while at bedtime and when we finished I said to him, ‘Son, it’s important for you to know that I love Mom, and that I always have.’ He just gave me a hug and went to bed. It wasn’t nearly as painful as I’d imagined or feared it would be. In fact, it wasn’t painful at all."

Children who are loved and respected by their parents tend to love and respect their parents. However, beware that many adolescents are not mature enough to be as accepting or understanding as Scott’s son. You and your spouse should prayerfully decide when—or whether—to tell your children. If you tell them, explain that you are not perfect (if you have made behavioral mistakes), but don’t discredit yourself or demean men or women in general. If the children don’t respect the role of men and fathers and women and mothers, they may develop gender identity problems themselves.

Friends

Some people have also found a very positive experience in telling a close friend who does not share same-sex attraction struggles. They have generally been very surprised to learn that others will still accept and love them even when they know their "deep, dark secret." This has helped them feel loved for who they really are, rather than for the facade they tried to present. This realization often improves their self-perception.

One man named Todd described his experience sharing personal struggles with friends. He wrote,

"True friends will always accept us, even though they cannot completely relate. Having said that, it is amazing to find how many people can relate to same-sex attraction even though they may not have personally experienced such. For example, I know a lot of men I can talk to about their struggles with relating to their father, even though their difficulties may not have contributed to sexual issues. Similarly, female victims of sexual abuse have been able to relate to my difficulties, and vice versa. In the end, I have found that everyone I have shared my ‘terrible secret’ with has accepted me and become a closer friend because of the sharing. Indeed, the process was a necessary part of my healing."

Use caution

Although the above stories are positive experiences, don’t expect that everyone’s reaction will be positive. Some individuals have been ostracized from their families or have lost close friends when they told them of their attractions. The people you tell are human and come from varied backgrounds. They have their own limitations and hang-ups, and each will react differently. Some are able to display unconditional love, but others may lash out at you. Some may blame themselves while others may blame your friends or other situations in life. Be patient and give them time to come to understand, just as you expect them to be patient with you. If they hesitate initially, don’t interpret it to mean that you are unacceptable or unlovable. Recognize that now having shared with them, your relationship can grow to increased levels. Deeper relationships are worth the initial pain they may cause.

To help as you explain your struggles to a loved one, about your struggles, you may want to get a copy of the booklet Understanding Male Same-sex attraction Problems from Evergreen International, that explains in a condensed form the concepts discussed here.