How to Select a
Adapted from:
Adventure in
Manhood: Developing Male Relationships: Mentors & Buddies
If you have been struggling with unwanted same-sex attractions, you may
have read books and listened to men who have recovered, who talk about the
importance of finding “healing male
relationships.” As you read and listen to the information,
you may also find that these types of relationships can be challenging to
develop. You may have experienced
discouragement as you have attempted to find mentors to be there for you. You may have felt awkward as you’ve searched for
these friends. You may also have grown
tired of longing for deeper male connections, and determined that you would
just give up or convinced yourself that you do not need these
relationships. Perhaps you have even
experienced a sense of despair over the lack of bonding and emotional intimacy
with men.
Although it is true that these deeper male relationships are critical
for recovery, many experience difficulty in attempting to develop these
connections and many have given up on recovery due to this challenge.
This article describes one man’s journey away from
same-sex attraction, and his personal experiences in developing healthy male
relationships. Hopefully the ideas and
stories shared will help you in your efforts.
The information in this packet is specifically intended to assist those
who experience unwanted same-sex attraction in three ways:
1) Establish a mentor relationship with a man
that does not experience same-sex attraction.
2) Develop strength and overcome fear
surrounding masculine activity and association.
3) Bond with other men in healthy, non-sexual
ways, often which provide work and accomplishment, fostering a masculine gender
identity.
For many men, the hardest part of engaging in activity meant to promote
strong gender identification comes before the activity. Asking a man to come and support you can be
awkward and frightening. However,
leaving isolation and shame is a liberating opportunity. It allows you to connect more deeply with
another man. You don’t need to hide or
wear a mask to feel good about yourself.
Your fear may tell you to hide and stay safe. You may hear messages that say things
like: “No one would ever love you the way you are”… or …”You’re just not good
enough”…or… “You can’t trust others to
meet your needs”… or …”Don’t depend on others
to be there for you.” These messages or others that are similar
will only maintain your isolation and prevent you from the bonding you need for
recovery.
Take the risk. You need to
unleash your desire for adventure, risk, and hardship. As you find it within the company of other
men, your life will become energized.
You will find what you have been aching for. Do not give up.
Testimonial of Mark Allen
I was born into a home where love and concern were found for me and all
members of my family. I was brought up
in a religious home where moral values were taught and practiced. While we had
problems, I do not think they were any more serious than any other family. I can now look back and understand some of
the events that led to my SSA issues.
This has helped me formulate a plan of action to heal and overcome the
wounds of my past.
Beginning in early adolescence I knew I struggled with SSA (Same-Sex
Attraction). Throughout high school I hid most of my SSA feelings and tried to
fit into the mold of friends and acquaintances I had.
I dated and even had a steady girlfriend in high school. I had many friends throughout my teen years
and was considered a like-able guy.
Unfortunately, my self-perception was different from that of my friends
and family. I thought of myself as ugly, physically unfit, and effeminate.
When I returned to my home at the age of twenty-one, I fell into the
addictive cycle of porn. During college
I continued to struggle with porn and other addictive behaviors. I tried to lead a normal life, hoping someday
I would find the answers that would free me from the burden of SSA. I even met with counselors at the University
I attended. I was convinced if I could
just break away from porn then my attraction to men would shift.
The therapists I met with weren’t much help and
even discouraged me further from finding the truth. I told my religious leader and was told to
keep hoping and praying.
Upon returning home from college, I decided to either find answers or I
was going to experiment with a gay lifestyle.
Within a month, I was put in touch with a therapist who did reparative
therapy. He was very knowledgeable about
SSA and gave me answers I had been searching for years to find. Prayers were answered and the darkness that
surrounded me was lifted by a new light and hope.
Shortly after discovering the reasons why I had developed SSA, I began
to build a support network of mentors. I
currently have many male friends who know of the SSA symptoms and who have
helped me through difficult times. I
told these men in the early stages of my recovery, and they are a major reason
why I am so far along in such a short amount of time. Some of my male friends have never
experienced SSA. They know nothing of my
condition, but provide me with the support I need to get established in the
world of manhood. I also receive support
from parents, religious leaders, fellow journeymen, and my wife. I thank God for working in my life and giving
me hope when I thought it wasn’t possible. The road has been long and arduous, but I now
have a wonderful support network and a very supportive wife to help me on my
continued journey.
When I first told others about SSA, I thought the toughest part of my
journey was over.
However, I soon realized that the toughest part of the journey was just
beginning. It has been a rocky hill of
joys and sorrows and I can only thank God and those in my life for helping me
get to where I am today.
Below are some lessons I learned on my path to telling my mentors. I explain who I told, why I told them, and
some of the struggles they have helped me with on my journey. These experiences are taken from my personal
situation.
Who did I tell?
(Consider reviewing
this and a list of potential mentors with your Bishop)
1. I needed to heal with my peers. I told men who I looked up to as the “ideal” man.
2. The men I told had been long-time
friends. I knew most of them for many
years before telling them, although my relationship with most of them was not
authentic or deep.
3. I told men who already had characteristics of
patience, love, acceptance, and compassion.
(Most of my peers joked about “gays.” However, hearts were changed and their
understanding increased as I shared with them the truth).
4. I told men who held my similar moral view on
the practice of homosexuality, and men who had similar religious beliefs. (It’s hard to get help
from some one who thinks homosexuality in general is an okay, alternative
lifestyle)
5. There are some men I did not invite into my
circle because they were not in a position to play an active role in my
therapy. (This was a different feeling
than being afraid to tell).
6. I told men who were stable in my life, men
who would be around for many years. (Some
men have moved since telling them, but we stay in touch and they continue to be
a support).
7.
I told some men who I feared most would reject
me. This helped me overcome my fears and
experience true acceptance.
8.
I told men who could help fulfill a need (i.e.,
learning sports, stopping porn, practicing authenticity (allowing me to be
real), manly hobbies, a supportive hug).
How did I tell?
(Consider reviewing
this with your Bishop...some have had the Bishop speak with the potential mentor prior to meeting
or had a joint meeting with the Bishop)
1. I made a list of potential mentors
2. I prayed for help in choosing a mentor, and
that God would lead me to those men I could heal with
3. Once I prayed, I let God answer my
prayer. Impressions of names came at
different times throughout the day (sometimes several days), usually when I was
relaxed. (In the shower, at bedtime,
reading scriptures, listening to spiritual music).
4. When I knew who to tell, I prepared by
informing them beforehand of a problem I was facing and needed help with. I asked we could meet and discuss it. (This was done in a phone call most of the
time).
5. I came over prepared with books, an action
plan, and my progress. They were more comfortable, once they knew I had an
action plan and was executing it. It
also took some of the burden off of the, “What can I do for
this man? I don’t know how to help
him?” fears some of them
may have had. (Review “Plan of Action” in the Appendix
for help with this step)
6. I prayed for help in telling my mentor. I prayed that my potential mentor’s heart would be
softened and his understanding increased.
7. I told my mentor in a quiet place away from
noise and distractions of the world. (I
turned off cell phones and shut doors).
8. Prior to our discussions, I prayed with my
potential mentor in the room.
9. I did not “beat around the bush.”
10. I quickly and briefly discussed emotional
issues which had created the SSA. (SSA
is not the problem; it is a symptom of unmet emotional needs and wounds).
11. I had an idea of what I needed from this man
and laid out a plan with him that same day.
12. I had a book ready to give them. (e.g., Healing Homosexuality, Coming Out Straight, Desires in Conflict, You Don’t Have to Be Gay).
Ongoing Conflicts within Myself
1. Defensive detachment- (This means defensively distancing yourself
from a man with whom you really long to connect because you fear being hurt) I
continued to detach from one man in my group for quite some time. He had read and understood the concepts of
defensive detachment and let me work on it with him. It was emotionally painful to go through it
with him. We were both drained
emotionally, but our friendship was worth it.
2. The “Emotional Well” problem- In the
beginning of my process I had only one man to rely on to help meet my
needs. My bucket of male experiences,
relationships and emotional male needs was empty. I needed to fill it up, and
I drained the “emotional and
mental well” of my one
mentor. He was tired and so was I. I suggest having a plan to get your needs met
in many ways.
3. Acceptance- I had to learn to “cherish” what a man COULD
give me, and let the rest go. Sometimes
I felt so needy that I would overwhelm my buddy. I had to let go of criticism and stop
expecting him to be everything and give everything that I needed. Everyone has something different to offer in
a relationship. I learned to accept that
and stop the negativity I felt when one man couldn’t do it all.
4. Building a List- My counselor
gave me great advice. Build a network of
many different types of men (mentors and buddies). The “18” team members rule.
Don’t emotionally
restrict yourself. This leads to
disappointment.
5. Loneliness- I realized I need
to have someone who could be an “emergency contact” for me. Sometimes I got overwhelmed with all the work
and time it takes to find real healing and to change.
Journal Entries
JOURNAL: My perceptions of
telling a mentor
“I thought surely I was creating an enemy in telling
someone about the horror of my true self.
I didn’t think I would or
could be loved for who I truly was. I
always created the scene in my head of telling someone I struggled with SSA and
watching them freak out and never speak with me again, calling me horrible
names and feeling more miserable about myself.
I imagined everyone I knew laughing at me and calling me names, my
family kicking me out of their lives. It
was a horrible picture I had created, wrongfully so, but it was my
reality. It was a sin on my part, for
thinking everyone was like that. For
thinking [God’s] love was not to
be found, I was sinning.”
JOURNAL: My initial experience
“We said a prayer and then I started to talk. I had barely started talking when I started
bawling uncontrollably. Jake came to my
side, and put his arm around me. Can
I speak of the comfort and peace that filled my heart in those few
moments? I got up the courage to say the
words “same sex attraction”. Then I cried some more. His hand was still on my back comforting
me. He hadn’t rejected me; in
fact I knew right then that
God loved me enough to send people like Jake. I then related the story of my life to
Jake. I explained the symptoms I
knew of and told him of the challenges I had faced.
We cried some more, both of us.
We both felt the love of our God.
We worked out a simple plan and Jake was eager to help. I asked him if I could call him every day to
check in. I asked him for help with
sports, especially basketball. He was
enthused by the whole idea. I left his
house feeling a joy I had never experienced in my entire life. I came home, wept on my bed and said a prayer
of gratitude for what had just happened.
I knew I was going to be all right.”
JOURNAL: Ongoing experiences
“I continued this process with Craig and
others. The same spirit that filled the
room at Jake’s house filled our
hearts as we shared together our struggles (not of the same nature). Craig took the initiative and helped me
organize a team of solid men who could support me. He helped me get on a softball league,
organize a schedule for checking in, and helping me deal with wrong perceptions
I created. He’s continued to give
me strength. I’ve learned so much
from each man I’ve told. They have shared with me their struggles and
now I can help them with their struggles.
I feel like a real man, like a man with real issues who has the support
of other men. These men know my “ugliest and darkest
secrets”, yet they continue
to love me. Mercy is such a wonderful
gift.”
JOUNRAL: Closing thoughts
“There was time in my life, when I thought I’d never tell anyone
of experiencing SSA. I never imagined it
would turn out as well as it has. For
me, it was the ultimate sign of true acceptance from other men. It was a big risk, and there were some men
who would not have reacted as well as those I chose, however, the risk was
worth taking. Healing began to increase
as I opened up and asked for help from others.
There have been tough times, but looking back it has been worth the
effort.”
(The ideas expressed in testimonial are those of Mark and his
journey. If you have any questions, feel
free to contact Mark at markalle@gmail.com).
Not all men will respond the way that Mark's mentors responded. Some men
are not ready for such a relationship. Counsel with your Bishop regarding those
you consider potential mentors. Pray with your Bishop regarding your list.