Adapted from “Characteristics of a Good
by Steven Donaldson
M.A. L.P.C. and
Del Thornton, M.S.W. L.C.S.W.
To be effective as a mentor, you must
have several characteristics. No one can be the perfect embodiment of these
characteristics. A good mentor must demonstrate self-confidence and good moral
character. That is, you must have achieved a sense of masculine competence of
your own.
A good mentor must have strong gender identity. That is, you must feel good
about yourself as a man. This does not mean being super macho. Being super
macho is actually a sign of weak gender identification. Evidence of sound
gender security includes the lack of defensiveness or the need to prove
anything to anyone, and active participation in his masculine roles, e.g.
father, husband, provider, ecclesiastical leader, male friendships, and
male-typical activities. In addition males with good gender identification
relate respectfully and well to women. You respect and like women and it shows.
In essence, you should enjoy every aspect of being a man.
A good mentor will have good ego-strength. What this means is that you do not
get your feelings hurt easily and you have no problem saying 'no."
Mentoring can be very trying, and requires tenacity for the long haul. Same-sex
attraction does not form overnight and even with motivated individuals it does
not go away overnight. Your self-esteem cannot depend on the success of your
mentee. You must remain positive, loving, and encouraging, no matter how badly
your mentee fails.
Men who struggle with same-sex attraction can be at the same time emotionally
needy and defensively detached. This means they long for emotional contact with
men but fear being hurt. At the first sign of abandonment they can become
defensive and even reactive which may be interpreted as condescendence. You can
never take the defensiveness personally and must be able to set limits on the
emotional neediness.
A good mentor must be emotionally available. You must be comfortable with your
own feelings and able to share these with the mentee. You must be comfortable
with your own weaknesses, failures, embarrassments, and fears and be able to
share these with the mentee at times when this type of disclosure would be
helpful. You must be able to hear the mentee talk about his fears, anger,
feelings of inadequacy, and pain without becoming anxious or needing to
minimize or fix them. Talking about
failures and fears may seem feminine but not when the tone of the conversation
mirrors as it would occur between a father and son.
As
a mentor, it is not your job to know what the mentee should do or how to fix
his fears. This very important. Your job as a mentor
is to be present over the long haul and emotionally supportive. You are neither
the mentee's moral authority nor therapist and you do not need to take
responsibility for or direct him in these ways. Men who struggle with same-sex
attraction badly need both spiritual direction and therapeutic help, but this
not your role as a mentor.
While you must be emotionally available, you should not lean on the mentee for
emotional support. The mentor relationship mirrors the relationship of a
healthy father-son dynamic. In this dynamic, the father provides for the son
but the son does not provide for the father. Fathers get their needs met in the
adult world while children seek their emotional support from their parents.
A good mentor must be physically affectionate. Many people believe that being
physically affectionate with men who struggle with same-sex attraction will
exacerbate or increase their symptoms. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Men who struggle with same-sex attraction are afraid of male affection. It is
precisely this fear that can make male affection so intensely sexually
interesting. As long as you have a strong gender identity, there is no chance
of the encounter becoming sexual. This is exactly the kind of safety the mentee
needs to experiment with; allowing himself to genuinely love and need
non-sexual male affection, as a boy receives from his dad. The deepest longing
of the man who struggles with same-sex attraction is not for sex. It is for
love and affirmation.
Finally, a mentor must pursue the relationship with the mentee. The mentee at
the core does not trust that you could ever be genuinely interested in him and
at the same time, need nothing from him. This is a continuation of the
father-child injury. For this reason the mentee will not be the initiator in
the relationship. This will be re-enacted in the mentoring relationship. In
addition, when there is any confusion or conflict the mentee is very likely to
assume he did something wrong and withdraw or devalue the relationship. You are
very likely to assume you did something wrong and withdraw or devalue the
relationship. You must remember that the withdrawal from or devaluing of the
relationship is a defense (usually unconscious) against the intense need and
longing for the love and affirmation of an idealized male. You must not take
anything personally and continue to gently but actively pursue the mentee.
Men who struggle with same-sex attraction long for a
non-anxious connection with men. You need to take initiative in
identifying activities that will be fun for both and yet not too anxiety
provoking for the mentee. You should explore common interest such as art,
music, theater, cars, or sports. Both you and the mentee can introduce each
other to the things you individually enjoy. Over time, the relationship will
develop that will allow more risks to be taken without the fear of humiliation.
Some men who struggle with same-sex attraction have defensively detached from
masculinity so extensively that almost any male-typical activity will trigger a
fear/inadequacy response. In the beginning, even watching a basketball game may
be too much. Defensive detachment seldom is expressed as fear. A mentee will
probably never say, "I'm afraid of appearing stupid if I watch a game with
you." He is much more likely to express disinterest such as, "I have
never seen the point of football. It is nothing but egotistical male
aggression." You must see through this defense and slowly encourage him to
be a part of the world of men. This can only happen over time and when trust is
established. It is not necessary for all men who struggle with same-sex
attraction to become NFL fans. They must however develop to the point that they
can attend a Super Bowl party or a church softball game without feeling
overwhelmed with anxiety and inadequacy.
Learning to play and be competitive at team sports is often a problem for men
who struggle with same-sex attraction. They should be encouraged to do so,
however, this should be approached with extreme caution. Even encouragement in
this area can trigger significant fear, which leads to compulsions to act out.
This is often an area of significant childhood injury and many have trained
themselves to completely avoid these activities. It is typical for these men to
gravitate toward individual sports such as track, swimming, diving, and
ice-skating to avoid being a member of a team. They feel inadequate to perform
in a situation where other men rely on them in competition. Even minor failures
in a team sport can be experienced as devastating inadequacy and overwhelming
humiliation. It may be wise to consult the mentee's therapist before
approaching this issue.
It is important to include the mentee in your family events. Many men who
struggle with same-sex attraction come from families with poor dynamics and so
have a distorted view of family.
If the mentee is not active in the Church, encourage Church-based activities
but go slowly. Church attendance can increase anxiety, which in turn can lead
to increased sexual compulsion. Seek feedback from your mentee. He knows what
he needs. Be open to his suggestions and trust them. If at any point you hurt
or disappoint your mentee, sincerely apologize without making excuses. It may
be his first experience of humility from an authority figure. This can be very
healing.
Use his talents. Never evaluate his talents in terms of the masculinity of the
activity. All men are created by God, completely masculine. His preferences,
talents, and feelings are completely masculine. Everything about him is
completely masculine. The thing men who struggle with same-sex attraction lack is an internalized sense (feeling) of masculine adequacy.
There is no objective thing that he is lacking. The last thing he needs is to
have a man he respects infer, even indirectly, that he is in some way less than
completely male.